My common-law husband of eight years has been carrying on an affair for a decade. I just found out. It’s with the same (married) woman. She married her husband well after the start of her affair with my guy. I have to end our relationship; this lie runs too deep. But her husband obviously has no idea this is happening. He is a great guy who deserves to know about the affair and make a choice either to forgive or end the marriage. But I know my husband and his lover, and they’re not going to tell him — that’s for sure. My question is this: do I tell him?
Absolutely not.
There are three couplings here: you and your husband (A+B), your husband and his lover (B+C), and the lover and her husband (C+D). To help you remember: A = angry, B = bastard, C= conniving and D= dopey.
You’ll note there is no (A+D). Let’s keep it that way!
There is a simple rule in such circumstances: each person is responsible only for relationships in which they’re directly involved. You have only one equation to sort out, and that’s between you and your semi-significant other. C and D must take care of themselves.
I’ll accept, at face value, the suggestion that you are driven only by concern about the welfare of this “great guy” — you know, D — the one you’re not partnered with. But if I found myself in your situation, my motivation would be less lofty. I’d be angry and resentful — bitter even — and rightly so.
But bitter people are vengeful. So even if your motivation for the reveal is noble, it’s not going to play out well. You will be seen as seeking revenge, and that diminishes you in the eyes of everyone involved. You’ve already paid a high enough price for the indiscretions of your partner and his lover; why would you sign up for more?
In your letter, you contend that D “obviously” has no idea that this is happening. But that’s not obvious to me. It’s entirely possible, especially given that they married after the start of the affair, that he does know about it, and has decided it’s a price he’s willing to pay. Stranger things have happened!
You also argue that he “needs to make a choice:” either forgive or end the marriage. But who are you to decide what choices are open to him? Perhaps he’s already chosen to accept things as they are. To you that may not be a valid option; to him, it might be.
Whether this great guy’s wife ever tells him is not your concern. Focus your energy on your own relationship. You have three choices: fix it, tolerate it or end it. From the tone of your letter, the first two options are not palatable. So end this toxic relationship and let everyone else fend for themselves.
I suspect that when you dump B, he’ll make a more aggressive move on C, and D will find out. But C is more into cuckoldry than commitment. So (A-B)+(D-C) likely equals, well, zero.
Sometimes, it’s best to save your skin, and let others stew in their own juices.
https://www.thestar.com/life/2016/12...-speaking.html
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